i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
