We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
