I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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