I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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