I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
