her vagine was all disorganized.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I want a musical about memes.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
