Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize