After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
