Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
