Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
