I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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