party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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