He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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