His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
