I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
