overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
