pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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