I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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