Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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