Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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