"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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