Someone shit on the floor
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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