just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Life is so much better after having sex.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
