actually, I'm a sock model
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
