My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
