sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
