Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
