3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
