Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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