Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
