Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize