you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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