Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
