Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
