I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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