ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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