They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
