I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
How's work?
Spinning.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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