sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
