forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
