Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
