I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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