you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
