she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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