Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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