All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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