My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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