i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
