wat bout pragnant strippers??
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
