Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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