I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
