I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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