So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She needs sedatives and a leash
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
