No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
