i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
