I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
