Just fell off a train. Bad.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
