i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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