There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
