so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Randomize
