i just sent this text using only my big toe
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
