WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Pants are for mortals
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
